The Fallible Human Club: Quitting, Guilt, and the Shrinking of Life

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 In a recent REBT demonstration by Dr. Walter Matweychuk, a volunteer described the following pattern:

She had committed to a four-year volunteer training program to become a facilitator. The work was meaningful and the commitment was serious but near the end of the program, she decided to quit.

She reported that when she quits something important, she does not simply move on. Instead, she withdraws from other areas of life. Her daily functioning drops — in her estimate — to about 40% of its usual level. She pulls back from responsibilities, becomes less engaged, and experiences a general sense of falling short.

When Quitting Becomes a Moral Issue

In REBT terms, guilt is often a moral emotion. It implies that a rule has been violated — that a "sin" has been committed.

The implicit beliefs operating in this case seemed to be:

  • "I shouldn't quit."
  • "If I quit, that means something is wrong with me."
  • "Quitting makes me a quitter."

That last step is critical.

There is a profound psychological difference between saying:

"I quit a training program."

and

"I am a quitter."

The first is a behavioral description. The second is a global evaluation of the self.

Once that global rating is made, the emotional consequence shifts from disappointment to self-condemning guilt. When guilt becomes self-damnation, it spreads into other domains. It affects mood, motivation, and engagement with life.

In this case, the guilt did not remain contained to the training program. It generalized into a broader sense of inadequacy.

The "Quitters Club" vs. The "Fallible Human Club"

During the discussion, Dr. Matweychuk introduced a useful metaphor.

When someone globally defines themselves by a single behavior — "I quit, therefore I am a quitter" — they place themselves into what might be called the "Quitters Club." It is a rigid identity category. It leaves little room for nuance. It puts you in a box.

But there is another club available to all of us: the Fallible Human Club.

In this club, human beings start things and stop them. They misjudge fit. They commit enthusiastically and later change direction. They discover, sometimes late in the process, that something is not right for them.

This is not a moral defect. It is variability. It is inconsistency. It is part of being human.

When we place ourselves in the Fallible Human Club, we acknowledge a simple reality: we are capable of error, miscalculation, and change. That acknowledgment does not excuse irresponsibility. It simply removes the unnecessary moral condemnation attached to imperfection.

Healthy Disappointment vs. Unhealthy Guilt

The emotional distinction here is crucial.

Healthy disappointment says:

"I wish I had finished. I didn't. That's unfortunate."

Unhealthy guilt says:

"I should not have done this. I am defective because I did."

Disappointment is uncomfortable but tolerable. It does not require withdrawal from life. It allows continued movement.

Guilt rooted in global self-rating tends to shut people down.

In this demonstration, the withdrawal to "40% functioning" appeared to be a secondary reaction — not to the act of quitting, but to the self-condemnation that followed it.

The behavior (quitting) was one event. The belief ("I am a failure for quitting") created the broader emotional collapse.

The Pressure to Find Meaning — and Stick With It

Another important observation emerged: time is not an elastic resource. We do not have unlimited years to experiment endlessly. There is a natural desire to find something meaningful and stay with it.

But desire easily hardens into demand:

  • "I must find something meaningful."
  • "I must stick with it."
  • "If I don't, that proves something bad about me."

The rigidity lies in the word "must."

A healthier stance might sound like this:

"I would very much like to find something meaningful and stick with it — but I don't absolutely have to. And if I don't, that does not make me worthless."

This shift from rigid demand to flexible preference softens the emotional blow of imperfection.

Our Selective Attention to Failure

Human beings tend to focus disproportionately on what they have done wrong. In this case, the emphasis was on the one significant commitment that ended in quitting — not on the many responsibilities that had been fulfilled, nor on the many commitments that had been maintained.

This selective filtering reinforces negative identity conclusions. It strengthens the narrative of inadequacy.

But a broader and more balanced view often tells a different story.

What Can Be Learned

Quitting something important can be painful. It may warrant reflection. It may call for examining patterns.

But quitting is not automatically a moral failure.

The deeper psychological danger lies in transforming a specific behavior into a global identity. When "I quit" becomes "I am a quitter," life begins to shrink.

The alternative is sober realism:

  • I am a fallible human being.
  • I sometimes make decisions that I later revise.
  • I am capable of error.
  • I am still worthy of engagement with life.

From that position, disappointment is possible. Learning is possible. Forward movement is possible.

Life does not have to collapse to 40%.

Interested in observing REBT in action?

Every Saturday morning at 9:00 AM EST, Dr. Walter Matweychuk conducts a live Zoom REBT demonstration with a volunteer. It is an excellent opportunity to observe REBT in action and deepen one's understanding of its principles.

To join, contact: rebtdoctor@gmail.com

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