Emotional Responsibility: A Difficult But Transformative Concept

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Emotional responsibility is the idea that, to a large extent, our emotions are shaped by how we interpret what happens. Most of us assume emotions are caused directly by events—“I got angry because I was passed over for a promotion,” or “I’m anxious because I have to meet with my boss today.” This kind of cause-and-effect explanation is common, but cognitive psychology offers a different, well researched, perspective.

It suggests there’s a brief mental space between the moment we perceive an event and the moment we feel an emotion. In that space, we interpret what is happening and form an opinion about it—labeling it as good, bad, annoying, horrible, and so on. Our emotional response depends on that evaluation. An event judged as a minor inconvenience will trigger a very different reaction than one seen as a major threat. Importantly, a complete or accurate understanding of the event isn’t necessary—our emotions respond to the meaning and opinion we attach to the event, which can sometimes be mistaken or exaggerated.

The principle of emotional responsibility offers a practical path to emotional and behavioral change. The way we interpret events and the opinions we form about them are often shaped by early-learned attitudes and beliefs. If something was learned that is no longer helpful, it can often be unlearned—and replaced with a healthier alternative.

Dr. Albert Ellis, the founder of Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, put it this way:
 "The best years of your life are the ones in which you decide your problems are your own. You do not blame them on your mother, the ecology, or the president. You realize that you control your own destiny."

Clinging to the cause-effect model of emotion can become a way of avoiding personal responsibility—almost like checking in your thinking at the door. Embracing emotional responsibility, on the other hand, is a step toward greater personal freedom and control.

If you'd like to become more aware of how emotional responsibility plays out in your life, try the following exercise a few times. You may notice that sometimes the opinion and the emotion line up well—and at other times, they don’t. The point is to observe the connection between how we feel and act toward a given event, and how we interpret and evaluate it.

On a regular basis, think back to a recent emotional overreaction or underreaction. First, describe it using the typical cause-effect model. Start with the emotion, followed by the event:

  • “I got mad because the bus was late.”

  • “I’m anxious because I have a medical appointment.”

Then, reframe the same experience using the language of emotional responsibility. Begin with:
 “I made myself…”, followed by the emotion and your opinion:

  • “I made myself mad because the bus was late and, in my opinion, they should run on time—and it’s horrible when they don’t.”
  • “I made myself anxious because I have a medical appointment and, in my opinion, if something were to be wrong, I couldn’t stand it.”

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