When a Teen Won’t Shower: Reflections from a Recent REBT Demonstration

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 Each Saturday morning, Dr. Walter Matweychuk conducts a live Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) demonstration in which a volunteer works through a real-life difficulty. These demonstrations are both educational and practical, showing how REBT ideas can be applied to everyday problems.

In a recent session, the volunteer was a mother struggling with a familiar parenting frustration. Her sixteen-year-old son resisted basic hygiene. He would shower only once or twice a week and often postponed it when asked. When she reminded him, he would say “later,” and then not follow through.

Eventually she would become frustrated and start yelling. Interestingly, when she yelled, he usually did take the shower.

She described him as a good kid overall. The problem was not serious misbehavior. Yet the situation reliably left her angry—sometimes at her son, sometimes at herself, and occasionally at her husband.

As the discussion unfolded, it became clear that her emotional reaction was not driven only by the unpleasantness of the situation. It was also fueled by several rigid attitudes operating in the background.

At different points these attitudes could be summarized as:

He must not stink.
He must practice good hygiene.
If he doesn’t learn this now, he may not grow into a responsible adult.

In REBT, this pattern reflects demandingness—the belief that things absolutely must go the way we think they should. When these rigid expectations are violated, strong anger often follows.

Dr. Matweychuk suggested a healthier alternative attitude:

“I strongly prefer that he maintain better hygiene and develop responsible habits, but he doesn’t absolutely have to.”

This shift does not mean abandoning the goal. Parents can still expect reasonable behavior from their children. But when rigid demands soften into strong preferences, emotional reactions tend to become more manageable.

The discussion also highlighted the difference between functional anger and dysfunctional anger.

Functional anger can motivate constructive action. Dysfunctional anger, on the other hand, often leads to impulsive reactions such as yelling. While yelling may produce short-term compliance, it rarely encourages thoughtful long-term solutions. One reason is that strong emotional arousal tends to narrow our perception, making it harder to think creatively about solutions.

Dr. Matweychuk also noted that questions beginning with why often function less as genuine inquiries and more as disguised accusations.

“Why do you keep doing this?” may sound like a question, but it is often experienced as criticism.

Clear and assertive statements are usually more effective. For example:

“I would like you to go take a shower now.”

Another helpful point involved coordination between parents. Using a football analogy, Dr. Matweychuk noted that a double-team block works best when there is no daylight between the linemen. Similarly, when both parents present a consistent message, expectations become clearer and easier to enforce.

An important distinction was also made between criticizing behavior and labeling the person. A child may be failing to maintain good hygiene, but that does not mean the child is a failure as a person.

At one point Dr. Matweychuk summarized the REBT perspective with a memorable metaphor:

Adversity puts the bullet in the chamber, but our attitude determines whether we pull the trigger.

The frustrating situation may be real. But the beliefs we bring to it largely determine whether we respond with constructive problem-solving or with anger that escalates the conflict.

Situations like this are common in everyday family life. A relatively small issue can quickly become emotionally charged when rigid expectations and alarming predictions enter the picture. REBT encourages us to examine those attitudes carefully—not to lower our standards, but to respond in ways that are calmer, clearer, and ultimately more effective.

Readers who are interested in observing these demonstrations are welcome to attend the Saturday morning REBT sessions conducted by Dr. Walter Matweychuk. The demonstrations take place each Saturday at 9:00 a.m. and are open to anyone interested in learning more about how REBT works in practice. Those who would like to attend can contact him directly at rebtdoctor@gmail.com for information about how to join the session.

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